Guitar Hero

Yesterday, I said I wanted to review a bad game, but did Portal instead. Today, I will be reviewing a bad game. A series of very, very bad game. These games are called Guitar Hero.

Guitar Hero is basically worshiped by most people, and has 5 or so games in the series. I have played 2 and 3, desperatly trying to like these games, seeing as everyone bows down before it and sacrifices baby lambs in its name. I figured it had to be good. I was dead wrong. I can probably tell you the entirety of the game in one sentance. Let me try. In Guitar Hero, you have to press colourful buttons, and strum on a toggle thing at the bottom of the guitar, and time your strumming to the notes on-screen. See? I told you. Anyway, on to why Guitar Hero is so bad.

Apart from the fact that it is sickeningly simple, especially for a console game, it has alsmost no difference between the games. The only thing I saw added between games were new songs, and different characters. The object of the career mode is exactly the same. The controlls are exactly the same. The games shouldn’t even be seperated by numbers! They should just be expanion packs, with different songs! There are only two things ever done to make the game any different. In Guitar Hero 3, boss battles were added, where you play guitar, and somehow develop magical abilities to break parts of the other guy’s equipment by playing a certain note. The other new thing is the fact that you can use different isntruments, such as drums, with the newest game, Rock Band.

Another thing that bugs me is that almost every song in the entire series is terrifyingly bad. It’s just a dung pile of whatever pop star, or metal group, or boy band or whatever was popular at the time. Every once in a while, there’s an okay, but totally played out song in there, like “school’s out” by Alice Cooper. It has absolutely no appeal to anyone who doesnt like this era’s music. At one point, there was a game called “rockin’ the 80s” released, but it was just guitar hero 2 with some 80s songs added. It wasnt even a new game, but rather an expansion pack! AND they charder full price for it. Thats like buying a cruddy patch for World of Warcraft for 69.99.

Finally, the game requires almost utter devotion to be any good. Even on easy, I’ve seen people lose the first songs. They have to play them around 5 times EACH to be able to win. My Dad liked it for awhile, and mainly because he stayed up all night playing, and got really good. Also, he can reach the last button without moving his hand, giving him a huge advantage. Anyway, my brother and him used to play all the time, full blast, in the same room where I go on my Computer. He eventually got bored, because one person had to use a controller, or they had to take turns. They eventually bought Guitar Hero 3, which came with a second guitar, which didn’t work very well. It would miss every couple of notes, even if you hit the right buttons at the right time. I laughed inside. Anyway, you have to play this game ALOT to beat it. South Park gives the perfect example of people who play so much they can perfect whatever the hardest song in the game is…something about bloody rain. The anouncer for the game says, to Stan and Kyle, after they get 1 million points: “Congratulations, you have played guitar hero long enough to get 1 million points!” “YOU”. “ARE”. ” FAGS!” I laughed for about 10 minutes the first time I saw this. My brother was envious that they had gotten 1 million points. Some people are very stupid.

I give Guitar Hero (the whole series) a 1(vomit on a stick)

Portal

I wanted to do a review of a bad game today, but I couldn’t get portal out of my head, because I replayed it recently. So, here’s my review of Portal.

Many, many people love portal, and I am one of them. I bought it the day after the orange box came out, because Gio wouldn’t shut up about it. I had previously planned to go to Gio’s house, but was a little late because I had got the orange box. I got to his house, and installed it on my laptop. I decided to play Team Fortes 2 first, but that’s not what I’m reviewing. When I finished that, I began my wonderful adventure with portal.

When I started, I instantly knew that the antagonist would be GlADoS. I could just FEEL the evil coming off her. Anyway, I proceeded to play the game, and found it to be very entertaining, if a little easy at first. I got harder. Eventually, I got stuck on a level which included making a laser ball hit a catcher thing. I didn’t give up, seeing as it was just too darn fun. I eventually got it by moving one of the portals slightly to the left. I went on with the game. Through crazy jumps, pools of greenish goop, and creepy turrets who kept asking: “Are you still there?” in a childish voice.

I got to level 18, and beat it with ease, which confused me, because it was the second last level. It was just alot of precision portal shooting, and using momentum to fly foreward. I had great fun with this level, because it got kinda trippy at the end. I finally made it to the last level, which was just ridiculously simple…or so I thought. After beating the level, GLADoS tries to throw you into an incinerator. After escaping, you have to go through a huge facility, and eventually kill GLADoS.

The battle is very fun, and a little confusing at first. You have to use portals in order to return the missile she shoots to her. They knock of pieces of her, and you have to throw them into an incinerator. I count this as revenge for her forcing you to incinerate the companion cube earlier on. GLASoS said the absolute funniest line after you blow off her secomd piece: “I remembered what that thing did.” “They installed it on me after I flooded the entire facility with nerve gas, to stop me from flooding the entire facility with nerve gas” Anyway, after you win, you leave the facility, having defeated GLASoS…apparently.

At the end credits, GLADoS sings a song called “still alive”, and says that she is, in fact, still alive. Finally, a scene where a room full of GLASoS’s parts is shown, and there is a cake in the middle. She offers you cake throughout the game.

In conclusion, Portal is great fun, and is very innovative. It has great replay value. This is probably the best game I have ever played, and every single person ever should play Portal, or, as I like to call it, “the Jesusu of video games”

I give Portal a 5 (Godly)

Starcraft

Well, hello there! This blog will be dedicated to reviewing games, and keeping all you gamers out there informed about the quality of the video games out there. You may see a review you don’t like, or you may see one you love. Feel free to post either way. On to the review.

Starcraft is a classis RTS by blizzard, and is widely seen as the best RTS ever. I agree that it is fun, and is one of blizzard’s best games, but not the best ever. I picked up the game, along with the expasion “Brood War”, for 19.99 at my local EB games. I installed it pn my computer, and began to play. I decided to start out on the origional, and play the Terran campain. The first couple missions werent bad, but I noticed them getting harder…and harder…and harder, until, around level 6, I could not win. I didn’t know if I was just terrible at the game, or if I had missed something, or if the game was just too hard. I decided to play a couple skirmishes, to get the hang of the game. I chose the Terrans, and made my foe “random.” I started playing, collecting resources, buying units, exploring, etc. I THOUGHT I was doing well, but after about 10 minutes of playing I was attacked by a massive horde of Zerg, who completely obliterated me in about 60 seconds. I tried again, this time using the rush tactic, and was again obliterated. I gave up, and went to play Guild Wars.

Over the next month, I continually attempted to play, and was thwarted every time. I wasnt getting better, and I could not find a difficulty setting. I had fun playing, and on the ocasion I did okay, found it to be very fullfilling, even though I lost every time. Overall, Starcraft is a good game, but quite a bit too hard for newcomers. Again, if im wrong an just suck, leave a comment. Except giovanni. No comments for you.

My rating system is on a scale of 1-5.

1= Vomit on a stick, 1.5= Horrible, 2= Very bad, 2.5= Don’t bother, 3=okay 3.5= Above average, 4= Good, 4.5= great, 5= Godly

I give starcraft a 3 (okay)